Burlesque Giocoso
by Fainn
Summary: Just when everything's going right, Kyoya gets a fiance! Tamaki's dying, Haruhi's therapeutic, the twins don't care and MoriHunny are behind the curtains. Crack!Fic Shounen Ai Warning: MomDad with hints of twincest and MoriHunny...
1. Burlesque Giocoso

**Title:** Burlesque Giocoso  
**Author:** Fainn  
**Rating:** PG-13 (Shounen-Ai. Notice the rating!)  
**Pairings:** Pretty much everything you can think of: mainly Kyoya/Tamaki with references to Twincest and Mori/Hunny  
**Number of Words:** 9460  
**Disclaimer:** Would I be here if it was mine?  
**Warning:** THIS IS PURE CRACK! Really, seriously, this is crack. Can't say I'm proud of it, but it sure was fun .

**Burlesque Giocoso  
Ouran's Very Own Mom/Dad Crackfic!**

_I. Exposition_

_Rustle. Rustle._ Kyoya sighed as he crumpled yet another application and threw it in the wastebasket. It wasn't like him to be so careless. Usually, Kyoya always made sure to fold each paper in half, tear it down the middle, and then send the two halves through the paper-shredder to ensure that no person alive would ever be able to piece the document back together. Still, after reading over three-thousand-twenty-one sheets this past week, Kyoya felt he deserved a break.

_Five-hundred-thirty-eight more to go._ Kyoya groaned as he glanced at the pile of unread applications. Why was he even doing this? _Desperate times require desperate measures._ Was his love life so desperately in need of assistance? Was he just wasting his time? Kyoya ignored the thoughts nagging in the back of his head and reached for another paper.

Hm. This one looked promising. Clever, high marks in school. Half-European—oh! Enjoys sweets. Likes warm, fuzzy animals…now for the photograph…Kyoya could barely contain his excitement as he flipped over the sheet to glance at the photo…

…and nearly choked on his coffee. Black hair, brown eyes, drab grey clothing and buck-teeth. Major turn-off. Damn. Why was this so hard? He ripped the sheet in two—this one deserved some extra pain.

That's it. Kyoya was done. He was sick and tired of all this stupid nonsense and this one was _definitely_ the dumbest idea he's had since that incident with the Swedish break dancer and the Aussie law firm. He snatched the entire pile and was just about to throw it all into the wastebasket when a single photograph fell out.

Damn. This was starting to annoy him. Snarling, he reached down and lifted the photo to see—

—perfection. Utter perfection.

Kyoya stared at the photograph, hardly believing his good luck. Those eyes…that hair…that mouth…_oh yes_ she was perfect…Kyoya smirked in triumph. Who cared if he was barking mad and delusional at the moment? He had won.

_At first sight._

_II. Enter Subject_

It was a beautiful day in Ouran Koukou. The sun was shining, the birds were singing, and even through the smog-induced fog one could make out the sun. Haruhi was sitting on a sofa sipping tea and ignoring the noisy crowd around her. The last of the customers were leaving, and she could finally drop this charade and act feminine again.

Not that she knew how. It was a nice thought though, while it lasted. 

Tamaki was busy mooning over a couple of cute blonde girls, showering them with phrases full of junk like "I'm not worthy of thou noble gaze" and "Is that a bell I hear? I fear you make me hallucinate." The twins were sitting by his side, laughing amongst themselves and making ridiculous hand gestures. Mori was feeding Hunny cake. Strangely enough, Kyoya was nowhere to be seen. Haruhi had asked him about it before he left and he'd smiled, a sure sign he was plotting something. Haruhi hoped it wouldn't be as bad as Swedish break dancer fiasco.

Speak of the devil.

"Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen." Kyoya, wearing a full tuxedo and tie, stepped in the Host Club with grace reminiscent of King Arthur. Or a very smug bastard. Depends on how you look at it.

---------

**"WHAT!"**

Kyoya smiled, that entirely-too-innocent Devil's smile he was so fond of. "You heard me."

Tamaki stared, "…how…how…**WHAT!**" 

Kyoya just smiled again, "Yes indeed, my dear King—looks like I've finally beaten you in something."

"Y-you…"

"Yes, me."

"Y-you…"

"I believe we've already established that."

"Y-you…**YOU HAVE A FIANCE!**"

"…I believe that is the point."

Tamaki's eyes narrowed suspiciously, "Is it another otaku?" Kyoya shook his head, "No."

"A stalker?"

"No."

"A lunatic?"

"No."

"Someone with filthy ulterior motives?"

"N—probably."

Tamaki glared again, "Do you love her?"

Kyoya stared, "No. But she's loaded."

"How can you do this?" Tamaki all but screeched, "What about the club? A married man can't be part of a _host club!_"

"She probably wouldn't mind."

"What about your fans? How can you promote extramarital relationships?"

"Is that a problem?"

"What about your _whole life_…what about_ romance_…what about—"

"It's an arranged marriage," Kyoya explained, "Recently my father has decided that a union between me and the daughter of the second-largest corporation worldwide would be profitable. I am merely doing what's best."

Haruhi stared, "Second-largest? Who's first?"

"Us, of course."

"This is _ridiculous!_" Tamaki wailed, "You can't have a king without a queen! Dad without Mom! This…this…this has to be illegal!"

"Not at all," Kyoya replied nonchalantly, flipping out his ever-present clipboard and tapping against the pages, "I did a thorough background check. Section 24, Clause 57 of the Book of Proper Host Club Management states clearly that a married man can operate the club's finances, so long as his performance is exemplar. And I _am_ exemplar, am I not?"

They looked at one another, and slowly nodded their heads. Kyoya beamed, "Well, now that it's all settled, I thought I should introduce you to the lady who will be, henceforth, controlling half of the club's funds."

Tamaki glared, "_HALF OF OUR FUNDS?_ ARE YOU KIDDING ME? KYOYA, THIS HAS GOT TO BE THE WORST THING YOU'VE CONCOCTED SINCE THE SWED-"

"And hello to you too." A smooth, low voice from the doorway made itself known. The Host Club gaped as they took in the wavy blonde hair, the large, violet-hued eyes, and the slim, elegant figure that stood in their doorway. Haruhi stared. No. No. It couldn't be, it simply defied all logic and reasoning, because there in the doorway stood…

…Tamaki?

**In a dress!**

Haruhi choked back a terrified scream as she gazed at the figure. A tight, short-sleeved blouse, black leather high heels, and a hip-hugging, utterly-too-short-to-be-legal miniskirt barely clung to the slim form. Haruhi closed her eyes, trying to erase the image when she heard a familiar, smooth baritone say:

"Oh. My. God."

Tamaki stood, dressed in his Ouran uniform, looking utterly horrified at the scantily-clad sight. Haruhi blinked. Wait. But if Tamaki was here, and SchoolGirl!Tamaki was over there…

At that moment, SchoolGirl!Tamaki strode over and attached herself to Kyoya's waist. "Oh, Kyoya-_darling_, I've been completely _depressed_ since you left this morning. A beautiful night together, and you didn't even say good-bye? How totally _heartless_ of you." SchoolGirl!Tamaki gave a huge, fake sob before stage-whispering, "But I suppose you could make it up to me _tonight_…"

The Ouran Koukou Host Club was Officially and Totally…Disgusted. While club members attempted to absorb the situation, Kyoya uttered the fateful words—

"Everyone, meet my fiancé, Hamaki."

_III. Countersubject_

Tamaki was ushered back into the waking world with a pounding headache. The twins were hovering over him, grinning broadly as they said (in perfect unison), "Welcome back, Your Highness! How was your trip to Hell?"

"Haha, very funny." Tamaki glared, "I fainted? I don't remember a thing. Where're the others?"

"Around. Haruhi said something about a first aid kit in the dishwasher."

"Oh, okay. What about Kyo—" Tamaki's eyes widened as he remembered some disgusting, frightening, and highly Disturbing news.

Kyoya.

Engaged.

Tamaki fainted again.

---------

"…your Majesty, it's really not that bad."

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN, HIKARU? THIS IS TERRIBLE! THIS IS THE **END** OF THE OURAN KOUKOU HOST CLUB, THIS IS…THIS IS A **FUCKIN APOCALYPSE! _WHY_ IS THE SKY NOT FALLING?**"

"…I agree with Hikaru, sir. It's not that bad. He's just en-"

"**SHUT UP! SHUT UP!** KAORU, YOU STUPID TRAITOR! What is wrong with you guys? Have you _seen_ his fiancé?"

Silence.

"She's pretty hot…for a girl."

"Hotter than me? Hikaru, surely you don't mean that…"

"Alas, Kaoru, I'm not _blind._"

"Hikaru! I'm shocked! How could you—mmph!"

"Shh…listen to me. No one will ever match your beauty in my eyes, Kaoru…let me show you…"

"**OH MY GOD JUST STOP IT STOP IT _STOP!_**"

The twins blinked, "What do you mean? It's not like you're not used to it by now."

Tamaki stared, "But…I thought…that was only for show?"

The twins stared, "…why would it be for show? Why do you _think_ we do it so well? Obviously we must have some knowledge of each other's bodies—"

Tamaki closed his eyes and screamed, "LALALA. I AM NOT HEARING THIS! EW…"

The twins huffed indignantly, "Knock it off, Tama. At least we _have_ sex lives. And from the looks of it, Kyoya's going to have one soon…"

Tamaki sighed, "Fine. At least I have Mori, Hunny, and Haruhi to accompany me in my loneliness…"

Haruhi looked up from her tea, "Actually, count Mori and Hunny out."

Silence. Then three voices cried—

**_"WHAT!"_**

Haruhi nodded, "You didn't know? With all that time spent together, it's a matter of common sense, really."

Three pairs of eyes stared before yelling, "MORI! HUNNY!"

"Hm?" Hunny looked up, strawberry cream stuck on his cheek.

"Are you…are you…"

Mori reached over and wiped the cream off Hunny's cheek.

"Are we what?" Hunny started licking the cream from Mori's fingers.

"Are you…"

Hunny took one look at the clock and cried, "Oh! Takashi! Our whipped cream order's probably arrived! The whip and cherries are at your house, right?" Mori nodded. Hunny beamed, "Alright! Sorry guys, we have to go! Takashi, if we leave now we can still pick up our new mattress from the warehouse. See ya'll!" Hunny jumped up into Mori's arms and the two promptly left the room.

Hikaru, Kaoru, and Tamaki just blinked.

"Was that…"

"Did they mean…"

"Apocalypse. A full-sized goddamn apocalypse."

Haruhi drank her tea, "Told you so."

---------

Haruhi snarled as she dabbed Tamaki's face with a wet cloth. The twins had left half an hour ago, saying something about "impossible to deal with" and "stupid Tama." At the moment, Haruhi was not inclined to disagree.

"Haruhi? Why do you think Kyoya's got a fiancé?"

"Because he wants power."

"Haruhi? Do you think Kyoya's mad at us?"

"No."

"Haruhi—" Haruhi slapped Tamaki with the wet cloth.

"**OOWW! Why the hell did you do _that?_**"

"Because you're being stupid." Haruhi narrowed her eyes and glared. "Tamaki, it's entirely up to Kyoya whether or not he wants a fiancé. You don't have a choice in the matter. Give it up."

"Give up?" Tamaki looked scandalized, "NEVER!"

Haruhi rolled her eyes, "Honestly, Tamaki! Did it ever occur to you that Kyoya might _want_ this engagement?"

"No."

"…that he might be…lonely? Seeking female companionship?"

"Kyoya? Ha!"

"Tamaki!" Haruhi stared into Tamaki's forehead, searching for some opening by which she could reach him, "Kyoya is just like other people. I know sometimes he tries to hide it with snarky words and false smiles, but he's a **person**. Tamaki-senpai, you out of all people should know what goes on in Kyoya's head…he might genuinely want this relationship…it might be good for him."

Tamaki looked genuinely moved, "Kyoya…needs…companionship?"

Haruhi nodded solemnly, "Yes. That's why I think you should give this girl a chance…she might not be as bad as you think she is."

Haruhi left the room feeling as if she made a Genuine Difference in Somebody's Life. Tamaki seemed to really understand what she was saying, for once…it looked like he really calmed down…

--- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- ---

Tamaki sighed and tilted his chair back, adopting the pose of a contemplating scholar. Unlike Socrates or Plato, however, he came to his Great Enlightenment in exactly three minutes of serious contemplation.

"Kyoya. Fiance. Kill _now._"

_IV. Development_

"Tell me why we agreed to this."

"We didn't."

The twins gave identical dramatic sighs and rubbed their temples in a sign of defeat. The Host Club, in a show of support for Kyoya and his new fiancé, was in one of Kyoya's family greenhouses having tea, eating pastries, and chatting with Hamaki.

"Honestly, I've never tried commoners' coffee before! Haruhi-kun, you simply _must_ give me the recipe!"

Haruhi's eyes widened at the familiarity of that phrase, "H-hai, Hamaki-chan."

Hamaki laughed, purple eyes twinkling and promptly pounced on Haruhi, "Haruhi-_kun!_ You are simply _too_ adorable!"

Again—does this sound familiar?

Tamaki, meanwhile, was gazing at Haruhi with a look of betrayal. How dare she, consorting with enemy! If Haruhi ended up liking her, that would be a serious hurdle into Tamaki's plans. He required Haruhi's complete cooperation. Half-snarling, he pulled Haruhi out of Hamaki's embrace, "Pardon me, madam, but Haruhi-kun is extremely sensitive to touch and does not like strangers fondling her."

Haruhi raised an eyebrow, "…but you do it all the time, senpai."

Tamaki glared. The girl was not cooperating.

Hamaki stared, looking a bit dazed before shaking her head to clear her thoughts. "Sorry, Haruhi-kun! I'll try not to do it again! Sensitive to touch? You must've had such a difficult childhood—that's right! Haruhi-kun is a _commoner_, isn't she?"

Kyoya gave an indulgent smile, "Yes, dearest, she is."

Hamaki promptly burst into tears. "Oh, Haruhi-kun! **A COMMONER!** You must be sad, and being poor, have to slave under rich people who overwork you! **_DO YOU CRY YOURSELF TO SLEEP AT NIGHT?_**"

Haruhi blinked.

Hamaki wiped away the excess tears, "Sorry, I've been watching 'Oshin' lately and it's my favorite…"

Tamaki was surprised, "You watch that show? Isn't it just too—" He glanced around and remembered his position. The girl was his enemy! "—I mean, I've never watched the show in my life."

An awkward silence followed. The twins sighed; once again, it was up to them to break the ice. Hikaru suppressed a yawn, "Hamaki-chan, what do you do in school?"

Hamaki beamed, "Well, I do well if I do say so myself. My favorite subjects are English and French, but I really love drama! I guess I'm a bit of a drama queen, and oh! I like sweets and all that junk, but I really _adore_ soap operas and I've acted in a few too! Oh, but my best friend in the _world_ is my stuffed bear called Kuma-chan.---"

Haruhi gaped.

The twins blinked.

Tamaki looked pissed.

Kyoya was examining the terrain and jotting down notes as Hunny and Mori fed each other chocolate tart.

Haruhi couldn't believe it. The similarity was—uncanny. Could it be…?

"Hey, Hamaki-chan?"

"Yeah?"

"Would you happen to be half-French?

Hamaki smiled, "Yes! Is it very obvious?"

Haruhi gaped.

---------

"Did you _see_ that woman? She is completely unbearable! How could Kyoya be engaged to someone like that? I mean, all she does is talk and talk and talk and she is so melodramatic and IRRITATING!"

"Tamaki, doesn't Hamaki…_remind_ you of someone?"

Tamaki blinked, "No one I can think of. Why?"

Haruhi sighed, "Never mind."

Hikaru yawned, "Well, I can't say I hate her as much as Tama does, but she is quite boring."

Kaoru yawned, "I agree."

Tamaki continued, "And a stuffed bear named _Kuma?_ How unoriginal is _that?_ I tell you, there's something severely _wrong_ with that woman!"

Hunny blinked, "Hamaki-chan wasn't so bad…she had very pretty eyes."

Tamaki glared, "Her eyes were purple. P-U-R-P-L-E. **No one** has purple eyes! I mean, how tacky is that? Purple with yellow? Puh-leaze!"

Mori finally spoke, "Tamaki, you have purple eyes too."

Tamaki countered, "Your point?"

Mori shrugged. Haruhi stared—was no one going to tell him?

Oblivious to Haruhi's stricken face, Tamaki continued, "I tell you, something **must be done about that woman.** Obviously she does not _match_ with Kyoya and Kyoya could never, EVER like someone like that. Tomorrow we are going to go to Kyoya and _give an ultimatum: **either she goes, or we go.**_"

The twins stared, "Are you serious? Why would we quit the Host Club?"

"Well, **duh.** Kyoya cares the most about profit, right? If we can make it so the benefits that come from being married to Hamaki become less compared to that of kicking her out, so to speak, Kyoya will cancel the engagement!"

"But Tama-chan! Does Kyoya have a choice in this in the first place?" Hunny piped up, eyes widening.

"Of course he has a choice. He's had a choice in everything he does. God knows why he does things this way though."

"Doesn't Kyoya have some really tragic childhood in which his family is pushing him towards business, or something?" Hikaru asked.

"No, not really. I mean, his family has standards and stuff, but he still has the last say over what he does. I mean, his parents aren't trying to _kill_ him or anything."

Kaoru stared, "What about the time with the clif—"

"—we agreed never to speak of that again."

Haruhi was getting mad, "Tamaki, why don't you just give Hamaki a chanc—"

"What, Haruhi-dear? I'm afraid you'll have to speak a bit louder than that. Anyhow, what we need is a PLAN to show Kyoya that Hamaki is absolutely unfit to be his fiancé!" Tamaki announced triumphantly.

Silence. Utter silence.

"Of course, I will need the full cooperation of everyone in the Host Club! Who will embark with me on this most noble mission to save mankind?"

"…do we have a choice?"

_V. Ostinato_

**Step 1: Prove the girl is very stupid.**

Haruhi glared as Tamaki pushed her into the kitchen.

"Just tell me…_how_ exactly is this supposed to work?"

Tamaki smiled and winked, "Uh-uh-uh! No negative attitudes on Daddy's lucky day! Today is the day that Kyoya breaks his engagement!"

Haruhi sighed, "Tamaki—just _how _is holding a private baking lesson with Hamaki going to break the engagement?"

"I know—genius, isn't it? This private baking lesson will prove, beyond a doubt, that the girl is woefully incompetent at household chores and therefore as a wife. Also, I've picked the hardest recipes in the world for you to cook, and once Kyoya compares your own genius to her misdirected stupidity, he'll be begging to let her go! And you know what's even better? I've placed cameras in five different locations throughout the kitchen to capture every moment of her humiliation!" Tamaki's eyes sparkled with anticipation, "I'm going to love every _moment_ of this!"

"…I still don't think it's going to work."

"Now now, Haruhi, cooperate with Daddy just this once. Now don't go anywhere, I'll be _right_ back"

Before long, Haruhi heard footsteps echoing down the hall and prepared herself for battle.

"Haruhi-kun! Hello!"

Haruhi put on a fake smile, "Hello, Hamaki-san. Tamaki told you of the arrangement?"

Hamaki's flirtatious smile was eerily reminiscent of Tamaki's, "Of course, Haruhi-kun. We're baking today, aren't we?"

Haruhi nodded, "Yes—in fact, let's get started, shall we?" She leaned over to glance at the recipes Tamaki had so thoughtfully laid out, "We'll be making…shark fin soup, baked stuff lobster, almond butter chicken strips, caviar-avocado wraps, mushroom-pecan-ice cream salad, cranberry apple strudel, zucchini bread and crème brulee."

Shark fin soup? Stuffed _lobster?_ Haruhi didn't even know what **half** of the stuff was! Tamaki hadn't been joking when he said he selected the hardest recipes to make. Not only were all these foods _expensive_, but they'd take HOURS to prepare—each! Tamaki had firmly instructed Haruhi not to leave the room until all the recipes were cooked—that could take days! Weeks, even, depending on how many lobsters they had to bake! Haruhi felt a snarl rising in her throat.

Hamaki, however, seemed to be feeling quite the opposite. "Ooh! Caviar-avocado wraps? I LOVE those things! I used to make them _all the time_ for my dad! Hm…baked lobster? That doesn't sound bad—oh, I _adore_ strudel! This is going to be fun, Haruhi-kun! Haruhi-kun? Why are you on the floor? Haruhi-kun? **_Haruhi-kun, wake up! Hello?_**"

---------

"You _fainted!_"

"…Tamaki-senpai, should you _really_ be one to talk?"

"She does have a point there, Your Highness."

"Pity though…I love crème brulee."

"I could make some for you…just the two of us…?"

"Hikaru…"

"**EW! NO, GO AWAY, STOP IT, GET OUT!**"

---------

**Step 2: Prove she is not _nearly_ as beautiful as we are.**

_(We? Tamaki-senpai?) Fine. Not nearly as beautiful as I am, then._

"Is this even ethical?"

"Desperate times require desperate measures, Haruhi."

"Desperate. _Desperate_ is the key word, senpai."

"Shoo shoo, children. Go play somewhere while Daddy works."

"…right."

---------

_Two days later…_

"I've done it! I've done it! The stage for Hamaki-Humiliation has been set."

"…sir? Just _what_ did you do?"

"Ho ho ho...you see, every girl's pride should be her skin. It isn't very often that you can find people with skin as white and perfect and pure as mine, and—"

"—didn't you just say 'every **_girl's?_**'"

"P'shaw, whatever, Hikaru. Anyhow, to ruin someone's skin is to ruin their entire _image_ and desirability goes down exponentially when this is so."

"Very good, m'lord."

"Thank you, Kaoru. I will have all of you know that when I snuck into her house this evening, I spiked all of her facial creams with ample amounts of viacoine cyanide."

"With what?"

"—substance that makes your skin turn purple."

"Ah."

"Ah indeed. The next key is a girl's hair. As you know, the only color that clashes even more hideously with purple than yellow is—"

"PUCE!"

"Very good, Hunny-senpai! I've also switched her shampoo with puce-colored hair dye."

"…there's _puce_-colored hair dye?"

"Um, _no_, Haruhi, but in case you forgot, I _am_ filthy rich."

"My apologies."

"To top off my grandest scheme ever—"

"—your _only_ scheme, ever."

"—is the fact that, even as we speak, I've sent Mori to deliver a package of the ugliest set of clothing to Hamaki's house, with a 'personal note from Kyoya' written on it expressing how he'd **love** to see her wear those clothes to school tomorrow…"

"You _didn't_…"

"I am a genius. A complete, total, fucking _genius!_"

"Sir? Don't you think you're going a bit too far with this?"

"No, why?"

"…never mind."

---------

The next morning, Host Club members could hardly contain their laughter when Hamaki came skipping over to the Music Room with puce-colored hair and the most outrageously tacky yellow-polka-dotted orange bikini to show off her marvelously violet skin.

She didn't notice a thing.

"Kyoya-_darling!_" Her smile was not as effectively today, having spoken from neon yellow lips (courtesy of Tamaki's yellow lipstick).

Tamaki held his breath, desperately trying to hold back laughter as everyone waited for Kyoya's reaction.

Kyoya blinked, expression inscrutable, standing up and examining Hamaki in a circle as if trying to search for some kind of flaw (besides the obvious ones).

Slowly, Kyoya muttered softly, "Hamaki…?"

"Yes, Kyoya…?"

"Did you, perchance, do this for me?"

"Yes, Kyoya-sweetie…"

Kyoya beamed, "Marvelous. How did you know puce and purple were my favorite colors?"

---------

"**PUCE? AND PURPLE?**"

"Honestly, senpai, I thought you did your research."

"**PUCE! AND PURPLE!**"

"Yeah…I mean, you should have known beforehand that Kyoya liked colorful women."

"**_PUCE? AND PURPLE!_**"

---------

**Step 3: Prove Hamaki isn't Faithful**

"I have to admit I'm impressed. I hadn't known mankind could reach this level of stupidity."

"Really? I thought the Swedish breakdancing incident came pretty darn close."

"Nah—that cannot compare to _this_."

"Oh, will the two of you just shut up? I **know** this is going to work!"

"Really, King? You've been saying that since the first plan."

"No, shush! My previous plans didn't work because I tried to target surface flaws. I should've known that Kyoya would want to look deeper than that! No, to _really_ convince him we have to target Hama from the **inside**—from the foundation of her morality, her CORE VALUES—"

"—and that's why you're going to make out with her in a closet?"

"Oh, please. You make it sound so coarse. I know as a fact that the human value Kyoya admires most is loyalty. If I can prove that Hamaki isn't going to loyal to him, the engagement is off!"

"…um, senpai? Did it ever occur to you that rather than blaming Hamaki-san, Kyoya might blame _you?_"

"Blame me? Nonsense, Haruhi! Kyoya loves me!"

"…"

---------

Tamaki smiled his most winning smile. He spoke with his most honeyed phrases. His eyes gleamed with unspoken emotion and his lips trembled with romance.

All for his plan.

"Hamaki-san…aren't the trees today lovely?"

Hamaki smiled her most winning smile. She spoke with her most blushful and maidenly phrases. Her eyes sparkled with mysterious romance and her lips trembled with anticipation.

She looked absolutely sinister.

"Why, yes, Tamaki-kun—the trees _are_ lovely today."

---------

"Come."

Kyoya blinked. He hardly ever made contact with Mori, and as far as he could remember, the taller man had not initiated a conversation with Kyoya ever before. Why was he talking now?

Hunny nodded his firm approval, "Aw, c'mon, Kyoya! It'll be fun!"

Kyoya raised a skeptical eyebrow, "Just _where _are we going?"

Hunny giggled and placed a finger on his lips, "It's S-E-C-R-E-T."

Mori's eyes flickered towards Hunny, as if he couldn't help being drawn to the sound of Hunny's laughter. Hunny smiled back, eyes glowing with some sweet and pure emotion…

Kyoya sighed: he really didn't understand why the others hadn't figured it out yet. It was so **obvious**.

He checked the clock—the club was just about to close anyhow. Couldn't hurt to humor them a bit, right?

"Sure…why not?"

---------

"The trees today are so beautiful…they shine, captivating—so like the gaze of a young woma—" Tamaki tensed as he heard the sound of Hunny's chatter drifting down the hall: time to put the plan into action.

"—let's come into the closet for a while."

Hamaki blinked, "Excuse me? We were just talking about tree—EEP!" Tamaki promptly yanked her into the closet and shut the door, forcefully covering Hamaki's mouth with his palm. He could hear voices outside:

"Ooh, look! A closet!"

"…yes, Hunny? That closet's been here since…forever."

"I wonder what's inside?"

Just as the first rays of light found their way into the closet, Tamaki uncovered Hamaki's lips and kissed her.

---------

Tamaki watched Kyoya blink, his face settling into a blank expression. Hamaki promptly panicked.

"Wait, Kyoya-honey, I can explain—"

Something shone in Kyoya's eyes, and Tamaki did an inner victory dance—he had won. Taking a deep breath, Kyoya said,

"Tamaki…Hamaki…"

Tamaki smirked, "Yes…?"

"That was a magnificent performance. Would you care to do it in the Host Club tomorrow?" The dollar signs that had been lurking in Kyoya's eyes promptly burst out into full view, "It was a very passionate encounter. I'm sure the customers would appreciate the quality of romantic foreigners, and it could potentially boost Tamaki's falling approval rates."

Kyoya smiled, "Would you consider it?"

---------

"**_Why? WHY!_**"

"Well, senpai, you did sort of ask for it."

"Yeah, I mean, Kyoya was only making use of a golden opportunity."

"Besides…making out with Hamaki on a daily basis shouldn't be that bad, right? Unless she's a terrible kisser?"

"**_That's not the point…urgh, where's the Listerine?_**"

---------

**Step 4: Prove she's impossible to Deal With**

"Senpai, you really should give up now. I mean, haven't you had enough?"

"What do you mean, Haruhi?"

"Well, you see, senpai…none of your plans have actually worked."

"Listen, I didn't go this far to be beaten now! I'm going to try a fresh approach…not _pushing_ them away from each other, but **bringing them together!**"

"…ew."

"I agree with Kaoru. Aren't they a little young?"

"Okay, first of all—not _that_ kind of 'bringing together.' And second of all—aren't you and Kaoru 'a little young' yourselves?"

"That's different. We're brothers."

"…"

"…uh, anyways, I'm going to show Kyoya how impossible Hamaki would be to live with on a day-to-day basis! That means constant contact, constant companionship, and constant badgering!"

"Oh yeah! You could handcuff the two of them together! It worked for me…"

"No handcuffs, Kaoru. _Please._"

"Haruhi's right. Handcuffs are really overrated, y'know? They're cold and cut into your wrists and—"

"—I don't recall you complaining last time, beloved kinsman."

"Situational differences. I don't think Tamaki wants Kyoya and Hamaki to—"

"**DIDN'T I TELL YOU GUYS TO SHUT UP?** Thank you. What I was planning to do was to lock them in a closet together for 14 hours."

"…"

"…"

"…"

"…fourteen? Why fourteen?"

"Because twelve is too short and twenty-four too long."

"…this is the second time you're using a closet in your plans. Could it be that you have a closet fet—"

"—no."

"Just checking."

"Senpai, how can you guarantee that Kyoya would _not_ like being with Hamaki?"

"I'm planning to get her drunk beforehand."

"…"

"…"

"…uh, m'lord? You do realize that putting a drunken woman with a, well, _interesting_ man like Kyoya might have…reproductive consequences?"

"Are you kidding? Drunken or no, Kyoya would **NEVER** sleep with someone like Hamaki! That woman is abominable, atrocious, appalling—"

…_later…_

"zit-picking, zornful zapping LOSER!"

"…just for curiosity's sake, senpai—how many dictionaries do you have at home?"

"Fifty-three…why?"

---------

Kyoya was having a very normal day. He had woken up in the morning, gotten dressed, called Tamaki to wake him up, ate breakfast, and arrived at school. School passed with its normal selection of classes, and Kyoya settled comfortably into his normal routine. After school, he walked over to the Host Club, and was just about open the door when he felt someone hit the back of his neck and blacked out.

---------

When he awoke, he found himself in a dark, enclosed area that smelled suspiciously like the closet he'd encountered a few days ago. Beside him, he could sense another moving body. The air was laced with the scent of alcohol, but upon further inspection Kyoya realized that it was indeed his fiancé who was lying next to him.

"Hamaki? Hamaki, wake up."

Hamaki blinked, the alcohol in her system forcing her to wake up and giving her an unnecessary boost of energy.

"**KYOYA! OH KYOYA, SWEETIE! I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU IN, LIKE, FOREVA! GIMME A HUG!**"

Kyoya stared, uncharacteristically unsure of how to act in this situation. On one hand, he had a perfectly willing victim to abuse, but on the other hand, there wasn't a reason to spoil their relationship before the wedding night. Still, he was really bored at the moment and had nothing better to do. But then again, doing something might damage his reputation—permanently.

Kyoya sighed: why did things have to be so difficult?

---------

"**KYOYA! ME WUVS YOU!**"

"That's nice."

"**KYOYA! ME WUVS YOU VERY MUCH!**"

"How lovely."

"**KYOYA! ME WEALLY WEALLY WEALLY WUVS—**"

"That's it! I've had enough! Hamaki, stay still so I can knock you out again."

"**WA? KYOYA WOULDN'T DO THAT!**"

"Yes, I would. Now, if you don't mind—hey! Hey! Try not rip my shirt ok—never mind. Ouch, no, not the hair—please, I like that belt very much and—Keep still, okay? Dammit, whoever put me into this, I am _so_ suing their asses off."

---------

Tamaki threw his head back and laughed, "Time's up! Let's go check up on our happy lovebirds!"

The twins groaned, "Whatever, king, whatever."

As the club started to walk towards the closet, they began to grow uneasy. After all—where was the ear-spliting shrieks? The yells? The cries of "No, no, get me out of here!"? Everything was eerily silent, and though he tried not to show it, Tamaki was growing nervous.

Silently, he inserted the key into the lock and turned…

Oh.

My.

God.

Kyoya, shirt ripped to shreds and belt undone, was lying against the stack of brooms with his hair ruffled and streaks of grime around his cheeks.

His glasses were lying in Hamaki's lap, where her dress was in ribbons and the top part of her uniform sliding off her shoulders.

Both looked equally…indecent.

Tamaki fainted.

---------

"…it's over, senpai."

"…"

"Give up."

"…"

---------

**Step 5: Prove she…doesn't really**…_love_ him.

He couldn't give up. Not yet. Inside, Tamaki knew he was defeated, but how could he give Kyoya up to such an atrocious wretch like Hamaki? No—he'd die before he'd let that happen. Tamaki gave a dramatic sigh as he attempted to lift another glass of champagne (his fourth for the day), "To Me."

"To you."

Tamaki yelped as he heard the voice behind him. Surprise turned to disgruntlement as he saw Hamaki smirking behind him.

"Feeling a little down in the dumps?"

"You could say that," Tamaki muttered.

Hamaki patted him on the back, "Don't worry, we all have our 'up' days and our 'down' days. Sometimes I feel so miserable I can hardly breathe."

Tamaki's eyes widened…that statement sounded so familiar…where had he heard it before? "You feel miserable?"

Hamaki nodded, "It's okay. My parents are not that big on me, so I find it hard to keep confident sometimes, y'know?"

Tamaki could only stare, "Your parents?"

"Well, not really my parents—they're nice and all, but sometimes…it just doesn't seem like anyone really cares about me." Hamaki smiled, a sardonic, self-deprecating smile, "That's why I act like such a bitch sometimes."

"Agreed. I hate you, okay?" Tamaki turned back to his champagne.

Hamaki laughed, "You're funny!"

"Not funny. Histrionically expressive and devastatingly gorgeous."

"Just like me." Hamaki smirked.

"Hey, don't compare the likes of me to the likes of you! We are nothing alike, trust me."

"Oh? How so?"

"Well, first of all, you're a total bitch and I'm not. Secondly, I actually have friends. Haruhi, the twins? They adore me. Thirdly, Kyoya likes me, while you are entirely unsuitable to wipe the shoes on his feet, never mind be his fiancé."

"…how many drinks have you had?"

"Four. What does that have to do with anything?"

Hamaki shrugged, "No reason. Why am I not good enough for Kyoya?"

"First of all, you're a total drama queen."

"Uh-huh."

"Second of all, you're completely unbearable."

"Probably…"

"Thirdly, you have no sex appeal at all. Purple with yellow? Puh-leaze."

Hamaki nodded, "Maybe. But that doesn't matter as long as I love Kyoya, right…?"

"Love? Hmph. You don't know anything about him to begin with!"

"…oh?"

"Okay, what's his middle name?"

"Doesn't have one."

"What's his father's business?"

"Nobody's business."

"What does he like to eat with toast?"

"Korean barbecue sauce."

"Favorite sports team?"

"British chess team."

"Favorite colors?"

"Puce and purple."

Tamaki huffed, "Hell, _everyone_ knows that stuff."

Hamaki just smiled again, "Then why don't you ask me more personal things?"

"Fine. What side of the bed does he get up from?"

"Right."

"Which pair are his favorite sneakers?"

"None. He wear leather shoes—always."

"...Pet peeve?"

"Dealing with stubborn people."

Tamaki couldn't believe it. This girl really _did_ know more about Kyoya than he thought…

"…what…what's his dream?"

"To take over the family business."

"No—his _real_ dream."

"To find his own Paradise."

"…faults?"

"Too manipulative, edgy, cold…sometimes his face closes off like he doesn't want anyone beside him. How he always judges everything around him…he doesn't give second chances a lot. How he's impossible to wake in the morning—"

Tamaki stared. If she really did know him so well…why…?

"—why do you love him?"

He watched as Hamaki's eyes seemed to soften, how her entire body seemed to relax. "I love him…because…no matter how cruel or cold he is, he always feels human. I love how he always tries to care for people in that indirect way of his…I love his sense of justice, but how he doesn't go overboard…but most of all…

I love how he brushes his hair in the morning. How everything falls into place except those few hairs in the back. I love how he growls and tugs at his shoes if they won't fit. I love how he looks when he's sleeping, and he how laughs when he's awake. I love how he also tries to avoid eating cauliflower and pushes it to the side of the plate. It's…just the little things…and somehow…just watching over someone like him…makes me feel special…"

Something was beating inside of his skull. Tamaki has that feeling that he's forgotten something, and he's on the verge of remembering it…but he can't. Hamaki's words are choking him.

She's right. She really does love him. She belongs with Kyoya.

No.

No.

No.

Tamaki feels himself surrender, and despite his drunken state, manages to clap Hamaki on the shoulder.

"I'm sorry. I was wrong."

Hamaki is surprised, "Huh?"

"I'm sorry. I was wrong about you…congratulations. Be happy with Kyoya. You two…have my blessing."

Tamaki rises, feels dizzy, but forces himself to wait until he's safely out of view to collapse onto the ground, sobbing.

_VI. Scherzando_

"Hello. You've reached Tamaki's cellphone, and I, as King of Ouran Koukou and Prince of Romance, have declined to answer your call. Please don't take this personally—it's hard to be so loved. If you leave a message, however, I'll be sure to call you back…a good King _never_ denies his subjects' need to acknowledged! Have a nice day!"

_Beep._

"Tamaki? Hey, um, Haruhi here. I was wondering if you were ill or something…you haven't come to school for two days, so I was wondering if your fever's any better or not. I have some fever medicine at home that you could use, but if it's not that serious I'd like to save it. Call me back, okay?"

_Beep._

"Er, right. You really need to change that answering machine of yours, King. (I agree with Hikaru, it's _terrible!_ ) Yeah, well, anyhow, Mori told us about how they found you at the bar…(listen, Kyoya's _really_ mad about this! He says it's not good for the Club or something!) So, uh, just to give you a head's up, he'll probably be calling soon…um…yeah, gotta go. (Ja!)"

_Beep._

"Tama-chan! We really miss you over here! Takashi and I want you to get well soon, ne? Come back!"

_Beep._

"Tamaki, I'm not proud of your behavior. I must say, your customers are very distressed, and if you keep going at this rate, you'll have a debt equal to the size of Haruhi's. Even if you _are_ ill (which I suspect you're not), that's no excuse to ditch club meetings.

On the other hand, I've called to say that Hamaki told me about you giving your blessing. I must say, that's very thoughtful of you (although it doesn't make a difference to me). Hamaki and I will be signing the prenuptial agreement tomorrow afternoon, and after that, we'll make plans for the wedding. Considering that you are one of my oldest acquaintances, I'm offering you the position of best man. Take that as you may, but don't say I didn't warn you.

Have a nice day, Tamaki, and may you broil in self-guilt and regret for all the dollars lost to your folly."

_VII. Canon_

Tamaki checked the thermometer in his mouth. 97.5 degrees—no fever yet.

Truthfully, Tamaki wasn't really sick. Tamaki's parents thought he was overreacting, but Tamaki defended his case by insisting that colds didn't come up until two or three days later, a scientifically proven fact that didn't, he neglected to mention, apply to fevers. Feeling more than a little ticked off, Tamaki stuck the thermometer back into his mouth.

_Why…?_

Tamaki had lain in bed for two days already, waiting desperately for some type of enlightenment or apocalypse—either would do. He desperately needed to know what the emotion was that he was feeling…this sickness that seemed to reside in his heart, rising up like a fever and yet chilling him to the bone.

He felt nauseous as well. Every time he thought of Hamaki, his stomach would heave and he'd run to the toilet, only to find that nausea was only temporary. It wasn't just Hamaki that was causing these feelings—the thought of a wedding, the thought of Kyoya, and the thought of mushroom-pecan-ice cream salad also made him sick.

_Kyoya…_

Scratch that. Kyoya wasn't making him nauseous—Kyoya was giving him a headache. Of course, if Kyoya had devoted two days to think nonstop about Tamaki, he'd probably have a headache too. In Tamaki's opinion, _no one_ should ever try spending two straight days thinking only about one person—especially one as infuriating and unreadable as Kyoya.

Kyoya. What a stupid bastard. How could that guy just be so…indifferent towards everything? I mean, he didn't even bat an eye when I was kissing his fiancé! Any normal guy would have exploded by then but no…not Kyoya. He's too perfect, too awesome, too _inhuman_ to feel emotion.

And Hamaki. Was that girl a real nutcase or what? I mean, she can be so infuriatingly sappy: disgusting! Maybe she's bipolar—one minute she's angsting the life out of her, and the next she's smiling and happy again! The two idiots probably deserved each other!

Yet…

Hamaki's words kept haunting him. The way she'd talked…there'd been something strange about the way she talked—_how_ she talked, really. She had spoken her heart out, like she had nothing to lose…

…well, of course she had nothing to lose. She had Kyoya, didn't she?

_I love him…because…no matter how cruel or cold he is, he always feels human…_

There was something real about Kyoya that Tamaki found he couldn't explain. There were times that Kyoya felt blocked off, frozen…and yet there was always something so beautifully tragic about his character. Maybe the others didn't know it so well, but Tamaki had often found himself face to face with Kyoya's kindness. The time they'd first met…Kyoya'd been so…**_mean_**. Unnecessarily cruel. And yet when Tamaki had fallen, and when Tamaki crying…he'd helped him up. Kyoya reminded Tamaki of one of those anime characters trying desperately to be alone…yet finding their humanity staring them in the face.

_I love how he always tries to care for people in that indirect way of his…_

Kyoya was caring, no doubt. Tamaki had noticed that, throughout the years, Kyoya had always tried to take care of him. He'd always taken this for granted, but seeing Kyoya about to vanish from his life…Tamaki couldn't help but feel a little…depressed.

_I love how he brushes his hair in the morning. How everything falls into place except those few hairs in the back. I love how he growls and tugs at his shoes if they won't fit. I love how he looks when he's sleeping, and he how laughs when he's awake. I love how he also tries to avoid eating cauliflower and pushes it to the side of the plate._

Just…the little things…

Amazing how much Hamaki had learned about Kyoya in the space of a few weeks. If someone had asked him about his favorite things about Kyoya…he'd have answered the same.

_It's…just the little things…and somehow…just watching over someone like him…makes me feel special…_

That was true. It wasn't so much about _who_ Kyoya was, or _what_ Kyoya did, or _how_ Kyoya did them…but what Tamaki had always liked about Kyoya was the fact that he was…_Kyoya_. In that single word, Tamaki could imagine over a hundred different memories…just little things. The time when Kyoya had gotten a B in English. The time when Tamaki met his first girl. The time when both of their families were having a business deal and they weren't allowed to speak to each other for days. Time and time again, Tamaki found that…well, more and more, he was starting to rely on Kyoya for…

…love…

…support…

…drama…

Kyoya had always been there, protecting him in that quiet way of his, always shielding Tamaki from the harsh realities of real life. Kyoya had always arranged things, changed things, made sure to stick around if Tamaki was in a lot of pain. Kyoya didn't do that for a lot of people, and that made Tamaki feel…special. Loved. Beautiful.

Kyoya had always acted as if Tama could do things on his own. That time when Tamaki had wanted to ask that girl out, Kyoya had scoffed and said, "Of course she'd go out with you. She has everything to gain." Kyoya had never doubted that Tamaki was a unique person…and Tamaki was grateful for that.

How—how was he going to let him go? This engagement was not just the issue of _marriage_, oh no. It was the issue of Eternal Separation of Two Great and Inseparable Friends. If Kyoya got married…the world would tilt on its axis. The cosmological balance of the universe would be misaligned. The sun would implode and become a black hole. Tamaki…Tamaki _couldn't_ let Kyoya go because Tamaki love—

—whoa. Backtrack.

He and Kyoya were…like fire and water. Coffee and cream. The sky and earth. The comedy and the tragedy. They were the Yes and the No, the pencil and the eraser. They were the honey and the beehive, the wax and the candlestick. There were times when Tamaki felt so miserable he could hardly breathe, and Kyoya had always acted as his inhaler. They were—

**—wait a minute.**

_That_ sounded familiar.

Where had he heard it before…?

_Sometimes I feel so miserable I can hardly breathe…_

Tamaki gasped as he finally understood something.

Come to think of it, it all made sense like this! Why hadn't Tamaki realized it before?

Of course…no wonder…

Hamaki…

**THE STUPID BITCH STOLE HIS LINES!**

---------

_VIII. Toccata_

That was it. Tamaki wasn't going to stand for this kind of humiliation. Who cared if the girl might actually make Kyoya happy? It wasn't her choice to make.

The two were signing the agreement today…

…what time?

Dammit, Tamaki forgot…

No matter. He'd get there, and stop him.

Kyoya was **his, DAMMIT!**

---------

_IX. Interlude_

"Hey Hikaru, Kaoru!"

"**Yes?**"

"Where is everybody?"

"Somewhere?"

"No, I mean…where are all the Host Club members?"

"Well, Tamaki's in his funk…"

"—_home_ funk, that is. I believe this is his first homemade funk **ever**."

"Yes, I believe so, brother-darling."

"…and Kyoya's signing his engagement, that I know…"

"Yeah, getting engaged to that hot blonde gal…"

"Hey Hikaru, Kaoru? Does Hamaki…_remind_ you of anyone?"

"No…"

"Well, she _sort of_ looks like our aunt, I guess…why do you ask?"

"…never mind."

"Moving on, then. And I believe those moaning noises coming from the curtains are Hunny and Mori."

"…ew."

"Oh come on, Haruhi. I rather like that shade of fabric!"

"…that's not what I meant…"

"Then what did you mean?"

"…never mind."

---------

_X. Cresendo_

Tamaki cursed, wishing that the taxi would go just a _little bit faster_. What was wrong with the driver anyway? Couldn't he see that Tamaki wasn't in a hurry?

"Could you speed it up, **_SIR? I REALLY REALLY NEED TO GET THERE!_**"

The driver snarled, "Alright, alright, sonny—keep your pants up! We're here."

Throwing a hundred-yen bill into the driver's face, Tamaki dashed out of the car, hoping against hope that he wasn't too late. In his hurry, he bumped into someone, someone that he ended up pushing onto the ground.

"Ouch! Excuse me, sir, where are you going?" Tamaki's eyes widened at the familiar voice. 

"**…KYOYA?**"

Kyoya growled a little as he tried to brush the dust off his business suit. "Tamaki? I should have known only an idiot like you could completely disregard others in your hurry to advance your own state of being."

"Kyoya? Are you—" Tamaki was afraid to ask the fateful question.

Kyoya shook his head a little, "Do you think it's unlucky to be injured after signing a marriage contract? Oh well, can't say I'm disappointed."

As Tamaki watched the indifferent look on Kyoya's face, he felt his heart sink into his chest, prior excitement and exhilaration vanished. He felt rather like a deflated balloon…sad…and breathless.

"O-Oh? So…it's done, then?"

Kyoya nodded, "Yes. The arrangement has been settled."

_XI. Doloroso_

The feeling of rejection is not a pleasant one. In fact, one could almost say that it is a very _un_pleasant one. Tamaki's own personal experience with rejection was pretty much limited to the deprivation of a chocolate chip cookie, or not being allowed to buy that toy he really wanted. Tamaki had never, _ever_ been rejected in love, however, and decided that being thus could very well be the most painful experience he'd ever have. Of course, Kyoya hadn't _really_ rejected him, but getting engaged to another person was the equivalent of rejection in Tamaki's eyes.

A wave of nausea spread throughout Tamaki's body, causing him to buckle down and cough into the ground. It wasn't long before he felt Kyoya's arms pulling him up again.

"Tamaki? Are you okay?"

Tamaki looked up, and seeing Kyoya's expression—that same, dark expression he always wore. Confidence laced with a touch of sadism. A smile, a smirk, and a worried frown all in the same. Hair neatly brushed in the front, yet pricking up in the back from the toils of the day. Glasses neat, clean, yet crooked, and what reflected off the impeccable glass was not hatred or apathy.

It was concern. Concern and something else. Tamaki couldn't tell.

"I…"

At that moment, Tamaki felt himself break down. Ha ha…he had nothing to lose, right? If he wasn't going to have Kyoya in the first place, why not put himself on the line? He didn't come this far to fail…he was fighting! Screw the fact it was a losing battle! Suou Tamaki wouldn't let go without a fight!

"Kyoya, I…"

"…yes?"

He took a deep breath, punched Kyoya in the face, and started his rant.

---------

**Monologue Impromptu** (Courtesy of Suou Tamaki)

Are you kidding me!

Kyoya, you asshole, you don't decide things that quickly! You could have waited for me, y'know! Waited for me to come to my senses.

Okay, I realize this may come as a shock, but I've come to the conclusion that I might be gay. The hell? Yes, I know. Don't write it in that notebook of yours—I'll deny it tomorrow morning. Must be something wrong with commoners' fever medication—I feel so dizzy the words are just punching themselves out of me.

Not only might I be gay, but I like you. As in, _like_ like you. Oh, screw it, I love you. This may be even more of a shock to you—I know. After all, there's been no indication of this, no warnings, no preparation, nada. I've only recently come to this conclusion after all—I've loved you for an unbelievable two whole hours now, and I don't think I'm gonna turn straight in the next minute or two.

Why am I talking so fast? I don't know. I can't believe I like you. I'd rather be with Haruhi. You know why? Because Haruhi at least has the decency not to go running off and getting engaged within the space of two weeks—hear that? _Common decency._ You don't even _pretend_ to have it, do you?

I never wanted you to get engaged in the first place. All those random situations with Hamaki? All my—wait, nevermind.

Kyoya? KYOYA. Are you even listening to me?

You know what? I'm just going to say this: Damn you, Ootori Kyoya. Damn you for being such a smug bastard! Damn you for getting engaged! Damn you for living, breathing, eating, and writing in that damn notepad of yours! Put it _down_, I tell you, I'm in no mood for this crap!

But most of all, Kyoya, damn you for being the only person who's family to me. Hear that? You're family. Damn you for letting me on, letting me like you, love you. Damn you for not pushing me away. And most of all, damn you for not shooting me, Kyoya, before I could go on in this little monologue of mine, because I really wish I were dead right now.

Damn you, Kyoya.

…damn you.

---------

_XII. Espirando_

Silence hung through the air, threatening to suffocate him. Tamaki stopped, panting for breath, staring at Kyoya and looking for some kind of reaction. Anything that could make his heart. Or break it. He didn't care.

Kyoya finished the last few sentences in his clipboard, and tucked the pen neatly behind his ear.

"Wonderful."

With that, Kyoya turned and started walking back towards the parking lot, where his chauffeur was waiting.

Tamaki gaped. _Wonderful?_

"Wait, Kyoya!"

Kyoya turned, "Yes?"

"Well…" Tamaki stared, "Uh…aren't you going to say anything?"

"What is there to say?"

Tamaki is completely scandalized, "**WELL, YOU _MIGHT_ WANT TO SAY SOMETHING ABOUT HOW YOUR BEST FRIEND JUST CONFESSED HIS UNDYING LOVE TO YOU, OR OFFER COMFORT, OR AT LEAST _REJECT ME!_ THERE'S TONS OF STUFF TO SAY! WHY AREN'T YOU SAYING ANYTHING?**"

"Why should I say it? Is there a need? Anyways, it's all settled."

So that was it, huh? Tamaki really _had_ been rejected. Rejected by a cruel, cold-hearted bastard who didn't even bother to say farewell—

"Oh, by the way, Mrs. Ootori, our wedding will be held on Sunday, April 4 at a location that has yet to be determined. I'll call you then, okay?"

—stupid, idiotic **JERK** who "**_SAY WHAT!_**"

Tamaki leapt to his feet, and with three long strides grabbed Kyoya, resisted the urge to punch him again, and shook him, "**_WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY?_**"

Kyoya rolled his eyes, "Our wedding, idiot."

Tamaki couldn't believe it. "**WEDDING!**"

"Well, since we already have the prenuptial signed—"

"**WHAT PRENUPTIALS!**"

"The prenuptials stating that you will become my lawfully wedded and grant me half of your family's estates. What else?" Kyoya smirked.

"I thought that was Hamak—"

"Wuou Hamaki is a pseudonym used by a long lost cousin of yours whose name is Suou Minako. Seeing as you did not make the appointment, she kindly agreed to sign the contract in your stead."

"She…she…"

"Section 12, Clause 56 of the Bastard's Guide to Marriages states that—"

"Then the fiancé thing…was…"

"Oh, that. I was bored one day, and since you _obviously_ weren't going to confess without due amount of provocation, I decided to give you a little push in the right direction."

"You…you…"

"But now that that's all done and settled, you may relax. I've hired the most eminent dressmaker—she has a lavender dress that would _most_ suit your eyes—"

"But Kyoya…"

"Yes?"

"You…haven't even said you love me."

"Of course I haven't. Do I need to?"

Tamaki's eyes narrowed dangerously, his entire face contorting into a devilish sinisterness that would frighten Satan himself.

"Kyoya…?" Tamaki smiled, sinister, angry glint in his eye.

"Yes?"

"**IF YOU EXPECT THAT I'M GOING TO MARRY YOU THAN YOU BETTER WELL TELL ME WHAT YOU FEEL, YOU BASTARD, OR ELSE I WILL MAKE YOU SUFFER, IN PAIN, AND DIE THE SAME WAY I DID FOR ALL THE REST OF _ETERNITY_ 'CAUSE I AM SIMPLY _THAT_ PISSED OFF AT YOU! YOU SHOULD GO TO HELL OR SOMETHING FOR ALL I CARE 'CAUSE I AM NOT HAPPY WITH THE WAY I WAS MANIPULATED, PLAYED LIKE A FOOL, AND OVERALL TAKEN FOR GRANTED, KYOYA! DAMMIT, I AM NOT A TOY!**"

"I love you."

"What?"

"I love you. Alright? I've said it twice now…you ought to grant me _both_ halves of your inheritance for this price."

"Kyoya…?"

"…?"

"…"

"…yes…mmph!"

---------

_XIII. Recapitulation_

It was a beautiful day in Ouran Koukou. The sun was shining, the birds were singing, and even through the smog-induced fog, one could make out the sun. Haruhi was sitting on a sofa sipping tea and ignoring the noisy crowd around her. The last of the customers were leaving, and she could finally drop this charade and act feminine again.

Not that she knew how. It was a nice thought though, while it lasted. 

The twins were sitting on the couch, laughing amongst themselves and making ridiculous hand gestures. Mori was feeding Hunny pie. Strangely enough, Kyoya and Tamaki were nowhere to be seen. Haruhi hadn't seen them since yesterday, a sure sign that Kyoya was plotting something, something that probably involved Tamaki. Haruhi hoped it wouldn't be as bad as Hamaki/closet fiasco.

Speak of the devil.

"Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen." Kyoya, wearing a full tuxedo and tie, stepped in the Host Club with grace reminiscent of King Hammurabi. Or a very smug bastard. Depends on how you look at it.

---------

"**WHAT!**"

Kyoya smiled, that entirely-too-innocent Devil's smile he was so fond of. "You heard me."

Host Club members stared, "…how…how…**WHAT!**" 

Kyoya smirked, "No, I don't think you're dreaming…"

"Kaoru, I think my ears are bleeding. Did you hear that?"

"You mean that horrific line about engagement with the words Kyoya and Tamaki?"

"Yeah, that. Damn…"

"…"

"…"

"Wait, so Tamaki's the girl? But I thought _Kyoya_ was Mom…"

"…"

"…"

"…Mom tops?"

"…"

"…"

"…I don't want to know."

"As punishment for his days of absence from the Host Club, Tamaki would now like to model his wedding dress for you."

---------

The last thing Haruhi remembered was a flash of lavender and the words: "**DAMMIT KYOYA, I AM _NOT_ A FUCKIN GIRL!**"

She fainted.

_**Fin.**_

__

A/N:  
Much of what Hamaki says are quotes taken directly from Tamaki in Vol. 1 of Host Club.

Thank you, deformedcookie (lj user! You totally saved me on this fic, you awesome beta!)

If you really want the definitions to all the musical terms I titled the sections, ask me. I just had my piano theory test…could you tell? .


	2. Bonus: The Swedish Breakdancer Incident

Below I've included a bonus section (it's on my lj, so follow the link). It's basically a story from Kyoya's point of view...heh. I didn't put it with the main story simply because it has nothing to do with the actual plotline, but I couldn't resist! This is more crack-ful than the other story...so yeah, BEWARE.

**Title:** So What _Really_ Happened with the Swedish Breakdancer?  
**Author:** Fainn  
**Rating:** PG-13 (Shounen-Ai. Same as above.)  
**Pairings:** Kyoya/Tamaki with one reference to the twins.  
**Number of Words:** 2817  
**Warning:** Crack!

**Bonus Section:  
So What _Really_ Happened with the Swedish Breakdancer?  
Warning: This is pure crack!**

Kyoya snarled as he glared at the computer screen. "I can't believe it! How can all the classical musicians be booked on a _Monday?_ On the exact day that I'm supposed to be arranging the business meeting between Father and the Australian law firm? It's impossible to forgo entertainment…God knows Aussies are big on that. I need to make a good impression, and I can't be regarded as a lackluster host! What to do…Jameson!"

Kyoya's bodyguard glanced up nervously, "Yes, Kyoya-sama?"

"I need entertainment for the Australian law firm. Go out, do whatever you can, but _find something_. I don't care what it is, just bring me back a full report of whatever you find and I'll try to do my best with it. Go!"

"Yes, Kyoya-sama."

_Two hours later…_

"Here you go, Kyoya-sama." Kyoya glanced at the report, eyes widening with horror, "Swedish breakdancer?"

Jameson nodded sheepishly, "Everything was booked…apparently Monday's the first day of Christmas break…"

Kyoya cursed his rotten luck—he hated doing things last-minute. "Okay…we'll just call it…a cultural study. Jameson, make sure this breakdancer gets to the reception by 7 P.M. —any later and I'll cut his salary by half. Oh! And don't forget to call the Host Club members over—we may need their help for the clean-up and set-up."

"Uh, wouldn't it be easier just to hire someone to do that stuff?"

"No. Go now."

"Yes, Kyoya-sama."

_The Next Day…_

Kyoya sighed as he walked down the hallway towards the hotel's conference room. He'd booked this room early (thank goodness!) and was dressed in his most impeccable business attire. He hoped Jameson didn't screw up _too_ badly—he needed this firm to like him. His father would be disappointed if it turned out otherwise.

As he entered the room, the first thing Kyoya noticed was the color. Everything was in vibrant tropical shades of orange, green, purple and pink, and the background music played a sultry, sensual Latin American song. To his horror, the next thing Kyoya noticed was that whatever the Swedish breakdancer was doing—it was not breakdancing. The dancer seemed to be doing a sort of…swaying, swinging dance, which all the corporate managers seemed to be watching with _too much interest_.

In the corner, he saw Mori, standing straight as a palm tree, blending almost perfectly into the background. Hunny was perched on top of his head, seeming to karaoke to a song—was it really Swedish? It sounded French to him. The twins were nowhere to be seen, but judging by how the refreshments table was shaking, he didn't _want_ to know what they were doing.

And Tamaki…oh, Tamaki seemed to be emulating the dancer, his face pink and flushed with drunken delight, laughing and talking with the Australian board director. To his surprise, Kyoya felt himself growing increasingly jealous—_why_ was Tamaki acting so cozy with the director? Tamaki was only the cleaning crew, right? What would the business leaders want with someone like him?

Seeing Jameson, Kyoya snarled and grabbed him by the collar, "**Jameson, _what did you do?_**"

Jameson gulped, eyes shifting nervously from one side to another, "Well, er, y'see…apparently 'break' means 'lap' in some obscure Swedish dialect, and when he said he was a 'briik donser' we thought he said 'break dancer,' and by the time we figured out what happened it was already too late—"

"Jameson, you're fired. Meanwhile, get out of my face and let me sort out my thoughts." Kyoya pushed Jameson to the side and, in an attempt to drown out his homoerotic tendencies, tried (for the first and only time in his life) to get drunk.

---------

When you're drunk, a good deal of things start to become clearer, which would explain why Einstein's colleagues often found empty bottles of liquor in his cabinets. Whether it's a ground-breaking scientific theory or just _how_ to keep your gym socks from stinking, alcohol can prove to be a great solution to all of your problems.

Of course, in Kyoya's case, he did not _want _for things to become clearer. He wanted things to be fuzzy—very fuzzy. Preferably fuzzy to a point such that he could go on living in blissful oblivion. He thought oblivion would be a neat solution to his problem.

Unfortunately, a genius is a genius—even when he's drunk.

---------

How had this happened? Kyoya mentally smacked himself in the head for not seeing the problem sooner. Kyoya had always learned from his father that the key to solving problems was to identify them, ASAP, and to expose of the issue using either brute force or manipulation.

Obviously he couldn't manipulate himself—he did it too much anyhow. He supposed brute force was always an option…though he'd really much prefer a gun. Choking oneself could be quite messy.

Kyoya sighed, trying mentally to break down his feelings in easy, readable steps. Of course, he'd have to trace the process bit by bit, and see where the feeling had stemmed from. The next step would be to eliminate the root of the problem, and before he knew it, Kyoya would be straight again. Literally.

---------

Kyoya supposed that it was logical. Not _logical_ as in _right_, but _logical_ in that it made _sense_. After all, he'd always had soft spot for Tamaki.

There was something strangely magnetic about his friend…a wayward sort of charisma that drew people to him like a magnet. If Kyoya hadn't studied chemistry, he would almost say that the effect was the result of a chemical reaction. Something set Tama apart from the rest…something besides that foreign blond hair of his and the wide purple eyes.

Kyoya had always admired this quality of Tamaki's. Kyoya himself could never own the sweeping natural grace the self-proclaimed king had, nor could he wield language in quite the same way. There were many differences between the two actually, and by all that was normal they should not have remained friends. Tamaki was romantic—Kyoya was not. Tamaki smiled—Kyoya smirked. Tamaki laughed while Kyoya chuckled, and when Tamaki cried Kyoya became cold. Tamaki was straight-forward and spontaneous—Kyoya plotted and turned and scribbled. Tamaki said words in a way that was heart-renching, intoxicating, and almost too beautiful to imagine. Kyoya calculated and said words to produce an exact effect on people. By all means Kyoya should be infinitely more successful in life…yet Tamaki remained King and people adored him.

Since the first time they met, Kyoya thought he should hate the boy that had everything he didn't. His plan had worked (as all his plans worked) and he treated the boy in that cold, sadistic, excessively cruel way that he so often employed to keep people away from him. Tamaki had been shocked and appalled, and when he'd run away Kyoya had felt a vague sense of triumph, as if he'd beaten Tama in something.

Of course, Tamaki wasn't easily beaten. Tamaki pestered and bothered and whined and pleaded until the point that Kyoya simply could not keep up his polite farce, to the point where Kyoya simply told him to shut up.

It wasn't the first time he'd made someone cry, and it certainly wouldn't be the last; yet, when he saw the first crystalline drops spill from the wide violet eyes, he thought he felt something akin to remorse. True pain at having caused misery for another. Of course, it was a foreign sensation, and since one should always be wary of the unknown, Kyoya had decided to keep the boy—to let him stick around. He wanted to see what the situation would result to, and what the end would be like. He hadn't thought it'd be this interesting.

The first time Kyoya had sensed something was wrong was during the beach episode. When he'd taken the entire club out to the beach for a fun and profit-generating vacation, he hadn't expected Haruhi and Tama to get into a fight. Not only were the legal circumstances highly risky, but Kyoya knew he'd be pulling an awful lot of strings to be getting Tama out of this one. It wasn't the first time Kyoya wondered why he bothered.

Seeing Haruhi and Tamaki fighting was surprisingly painless. Rather, he felt completely apathetic and indifferent, as long as it didn't bother him. It wasn't until he saw Tamaki huffing, heat glowing in his eyes and concealing some great pain or sadness that Kyoya began to feel worried. Thinking back, it only makes _sense_ that Kyoya could be in love with Tamaki, seeing as the time he "attempted to rape Haruhi" was the only time he'd ever, ever put himself on the line for someone else. Sacrificing oneself is something Kyoya's believed one should only ever do for one's lover, so he should have seen that this was coming.

He'd fallen in love with Tamaki.

It made sense. It made _perfect sense_…

**Damn.**

---------

Kyoya looked up from his thoughts, blinking rapidly in an attempt to clear his mind.

It would be a problem if he was actually in love. Every good businessman knew that you should never, _ever_ fall in love before age 50—settling down so early was a sure sign of failure, as spouses were known to suck the energy out of even the hardiest of entrepreneurs. Besides that, the person he'd fallen for was a _man_, an obvious flaw in his plans. Even if he did fall in love, he'd wanted some silent, submissive, invisible woman who'd bend to his every will and whim.

Not only was Tamaki a _man_, but he was an extremely loud, dominant, and annoying one. The housetraining would be a nightmare, though Kyoya did know a few good specialists in the area.

Kyoya sighed. No—it couldn't possibly work out. The easiest thing to do would be to forget about Tama, wouldn't it? How hard could it be…

…after all, the boy was _only_ on his mind…oh, about every three minutes or so—two on a bad day.

No doubt about it: if love was his foe, this was sure to be a hard battle…

…Kyoya felt defeated already.

---------

It was quite a while later that Kyoya began to realize that someone was sitting next to him. He looked up and saw the Swedish "briik donser" smiling cheerily at him. Of course, even drunken Kyoya is polite, so he said, "Hello. Go to hell, please."

"Eh?" The dunce scratched his head, "Vot do you vean?"

"Go. To. Hell. I'm sure that even in your country, you're familiar with the expression?"

"Yes, but vhy?"

"Because you ruined me." Fine. So Kyoya wasn't at his most eloquent—big deal. Picking up another glass, he tried once again to drink himself into a stupor.

"Vuin? Vhy?" The dancer looked around, following Kyoya's doleful gaze to see Tamaki, now dozing in a corner. The dancer looked from Tamaki to him, and nodded, "I svee…you come out of closette?"

"Clarification: I was never _in_ a closet. It was only recently that I discovered my homoerotic tendencies. I don't get it. By all standards, I should be perfectly straight. I mean, I was raised with strict parents, a good mother and father—my gods, I'm in a _HOST CLUB_ where I attend those of the FEMALE gender. How does this work?"

"Vell, in my country, it happens when you fall in love." The dancer didn't seem to have much to say.

There. Love. The most ridiculous word in the universe. The one thing Kyoya had no clue how to plan, direct, or dictate. Just one more thing on his very long "To Do List for Life".

"Love? Teach me about love. I not at all familiar with the subject."

The dancer blinked.

"Vell, love is vhen you look at somevun, and vish they vere yours. Lyke…me! Y'know, vhen I first met my sveethart, I thought 'e vas cold. Over time, I figuh out that 'e veally very kind…I vuv heem."

Even through his drunken stupor, Kyoya managed to grasp the meaning of the dancer's words. 

"So…love's when you figure out someone is kind…?"

The dancer shook his head, "No, no! Vuv is vhen you figuh out that no matter vat the person's fault ees, you don't care. Like you—" The dancer turned and smiled, "You luv heem, this blondie o' yours, vight?"

Kyoya took a deep breath, "I'm not sure, actually. Tamaki—he's…it's indescribable, really. Most of the times when people look at him, they see something…superficial. Idiotic, really. Sometimes people hate him, or love him, and all in extremes…no one is _indifferent_ about him, you know. I used to admire the boy…but now…I don't know what to think, really. I could love him, I suppose—though it would put a serious halt to my plans of becoming an international business leader."

Kyoya turned and examined the dancer, "I don't suppose that homosexuals have a good business reputation?"

The dancer shook his head. Kyoya sighed, "Well, then there's nothing we can do about it. There's no way such a relationship could work out—there'd be nothing to gain from it. Farewell, sir, and thank you for the advice." Kyoya started leave.

"VAIT! Sir, I theenk you make beeg mistake!"

Kyoya arched an eyebrow, "How so?"

The dancer stared, "Don't…don't you theenk letting vuv go is a vaste?"

Kyoya shook his head, "Not in the face of profit. Why?"

"Because…I theenk you are a kind person. If you veally tried to make it work, your friend could vuv you too!"

"Nonsense. After all, why would someone like Tamaki like someone like me? We're worlds apart—never mind that: _universes_ apart…how could…" Kyoya's voice drifted off, and he found himself thinking. No, it couldn't work. No way…right?

"Eech person has only vun chance for tvu vuv," stated the dancer earnestly, "You're a kind person…per'aps your friend knows thees too?"

"Of course he knows. Why wouldn't he? We known each other forever…"

"Then vhy are you hesitating? Such a great guy lyke you…'e probably vuvs you back already! Just…give eem a push in the vight direction and _va-la!_ Instant vuv!"

Kyoya blinked. He wasn't sure if it was the alcohol in his system, but part of him liked the dancer's words. He was so used to being a realist all the time, it was…refreshing to hear such optimism. And what he was saying…

"Now, what you're saying _does_ make sense…after all, I _am_ an exceptional being, aren't I?"

The dancer nodded, "Yes!"

Kyoya stared.

_A fool, and yet…how can he see through me like no one else? How is he so sure of this "true love" business? And why am I even considering this?_

---------

How many times in his life had people told him he was kind?

Not many, he guessed. Although such maudlin displays of emotion were…unfashionable, Kyoya felt a strange, warm sort of feeling spreading through his body at the thought.

_Kind…?_

Kyoya _was_ kind. Hell, he tried to hide it, but there were times when Haruhi would smile and Tamaki would laugh and when they looked at him, he could read their eyes and in them was kindness.

_Love…?_

Kind people fell in love, right? If what the dancer said was correct, love was as long as you could see someone's inner kindness. Kyoya knew for a fact that love could make people…dizzy. Happy. Permanently drunk and eternally floating on a blissful cloud. Of course, Kyoya didn't like clouds, but that was beyond the point.

As the dancer said, if Tamaki saw his inner kindness (which Kyoya knew he did, on a daily basis), there was no reason for Tama not to love Kyoya. Hell, what's _not_ to love?

Kyoya smirked. Money could buy everything, of course—even love and happiness. Yet…

…why throw away a perfectly good chance? For free? These chances weren't granted to everyone, and only required a small start-up deposit to get going. Plus, it came with happiness, security, and a free warming system inside your heart. There wasn't a lifetime guarantee, but why would you need one?

Kyoya smiled. True love…with Tamaki?

Hell, why not. It wasn't like Kyoya was poor. He could afford a small risk in his plans.

Besides…

There was (to put it quite simply)…

…everything to gain.

---------

Kyoya nodded, blinked, and interrupted his thoughts to turn to the dancer.

All traces of Angsty!Kyoya gone, he smirked and nodded resolutely,

"Yes…I believe you have a point. Why was I hesitating…all I need is a plan…"

_The dancer smiled…_

Kyoya's eyes sparkled…

The world's smallest violin began to play…

Dollar signs began to float in the air…

Plan set in mind, he walked out of the reception room a man with a mission. Desperate times require desperate measures, after all—and with such a desperate situation, only someone like Kyoya Ootori could prevail.

Veni, vici, vidi.

_I saw, I came, I conquered._

**Piece of cake.**

_Fin._


End file.
